My heart was about beat out of my chest. Do you know what I'm talking about when I say my heart was about to beat out of my chest? God was calling me to turn from the world and follow Him on July 31, 1997 at a youth retreat in Panama City. I was in the back of the room and had to walk in front of the entire crowd to kneel at the alter. I fought with everything I had in me to stay in the back but God was tugging... hard! There was victory that night... The enemy had been defeated and I truly was a new person.
A night I decided that I wanted to live for eternity. A night I decided to live for God and seek His will instead of mine. The next few years were incredible years for me and because I allowed God to tug, that moment led me to my senior year of high school in 1998 as a student who was going to live differently. I wish my walk would have continued down the path I was on but I slowly allowed things into my life and changed direction. It was a roller coaster and I was living off of emotions instead of true love for God. Some of you may know exactly what I mean because emotions won't get you through tough times... Only God will. Living for God doesn't mean life gets easier... In fact, sometimes it gets harder. It's easy to "follow" the crowd. It's easy to "fit in" but in our world today... It's a little hard to be set apart.
I thought my faith was strong but when I allowed myself to walk away from God ... Daily ... My faith became nothing. I started to push God aside and handle life my way... To make it all go away. If you become numb... Nothing can shake you. NOTHING! It was the scariest and darkest place... EVER!!
Only a year before the darkest days of my life, I was on cloud nine. I was on my mountain top. I was where I wanted to be and living a life for God. I was preparing for my dream of becoming Miss Louisiana. My life was heading in the right direction... or so I thought. But not long after competing for the title of Miss LA, I moved to Baton Rouge and entered a deep depression for nearly 10 months. I moved back home after my boss sat down with me and told me that he thought it would be best for me. For a little over a year, I walked in complete darkness. I was having "fun" and I was still living life but it was a dark life. If you saw me, you wouldn't know any different. I was ALWAYS smiling and laughing and never mad...because nothing bothered me. Nothing mattered. It was a life I KNEW was wrong but I finally came to the point where I didn't care. NUMB. I could no longer "feel" God. I could no longer "hear" God. I could no longer pray. I knew where I was headed... But that didn't stop me. The enemy had come to steal the life I had... He came to kill me... Literally... The enemy had already killed any emotions I once had... And he came to destroy the plans God had for me...
I thank God for keeping His hand on me (and perhaps some of you that crossed my dangerous path). A scary moment for me happened in 2007 (this is prior to my pregnancy) when I woke up in a hotel room while vacationing in Sand Destin, FL. The night before, I drove to Ft. Walton but I had no recollection of how I made it back early the next morning. I drove over an hour... And couldn't remember one single event or the drive back. I woke up and couldn't find my license (it had dropped beside my seat) I had NO idea where I parked my Tahoe so I had to search the parking garage. I found it tucked into a small compact area. It wasn't even a parking spot. How did I make it home alive? Thank you GOD for protecting me... And others!
Fast forward... I realized just how dark the valley was that I had been in for over a year when I looked at my 18 month old little boy in the PICU... Drugged with
Phenobarbital. My baby boy... the reason I changed my lifestyle... was in PICU. I was alone... And I couldn't pray for my child. I COULD NOT pray for my baby boy... Scary! Dark! Lonely!
Kendall had suffered from a concussion and a brain hemorrhage. One day after being admitted into the PICU we also found out that he had a skull fracture. (Now you know why I am so protective of my son) I had no idea what would happen to him. Would he have any brain damage? Would he be the happy baby I had dropped off earlier at the baby sitters? What was going to happen with my son. My first born. My only child. The child that saved my life. What was I to do? My normal response would be PRAY.
I tried... And I couldn't. My faith was gone and I was lost. Wow!
But I fought... I knew where to look so I READ, OUT LOUD, the book of LIFE!!!! And slowly... I started walking in the right direction... The world behind me... The cross before me... No turning back...
Those words became even more real on June 22, 2014. I am new... And I WAS changed... I have JOY... And I have HOPE... And I have FAITH!
A night I decided that I wanted to live for eternity. A night I decided to live for God and seek His will instead of mine. The next few years were incredible years for me and because I allowed God to tug, that moment led me to my senior year of high school in 1998 as a student who was going to live differently. I wish my walk would have continued down the path I was on but I slowly allowed things into my life and changed direction. It was a roller coaster and I was living off of emotions instead of true love for God. Some of you may know exactly what I mean because emotions won't get you through tough times... Only God will. Living for God doesn't mean life gets easier... In fact, sometimes it gets harder. It's easy to "follow" the crowd. It's easy to "fit in" but in our world today... It's a little hard to be set apart.
I thought my faith was strong but when I allowed myself to walk away from God ... Daily ... My faith became nothing. I started to push God aside and handle life my way... To make it all go away. If you become numb... Nothing can shake you. NOTHING! It was the scariest and darkest place... EVER!!
Only a year before the darkest days of my life, I was on cloud nine. I was on my mountain top. I was where I wanted to be and living a life for God. I was preparing for my dream of becoming Miss Louisiana. My life was heading in the right direction... or so I thought. But not long after competing for the title of Miss LA, I moved to Baton Rouge and entered a deep depression for nearly 10 months. I moved back home after my boss sat down with me and told me that he thought it would be best for me. For a little over a year, I walked in complete darkness. I was having "fun" and I was still living life but it was a dark life. If you saw me, you wouldn't know any different. I was ALWAYS smiling and laughing and never mad...because nothing bothered me. Nothing mattered. It was a life I KNEW was wrong but I finally came to the point where I didn't care. NUMB. I could no longer "feel" God. I could no longer "hear" God. I could no longer pray. I knew where I was headed... But that didn't stop me. The enemy had come to steal the life I had... He came to kill me... Literally... The enemy had already killed any emotions I once had... And he came to destroy the plans God had for me...
I thank God for keeping His hand on me (and perhaps some of you that crossed my dangerous path). A scary moment for me happened in 2007 (this is prior to my pregnancy) when I woke up in a hotel room while vacationing in Sand Destin, FL. The night before, I drove to Ft. Walton but I had no recollection of how I made it back early the next morning. I drove over an hour... And couldn't remember one single event or the drive back. I woke up and couldn't find my license (it had dropped beside my seat) I had NO idea where I parked my Tahoe so I had to search the parking garage. I found it tucked into a small compact area. It wasn't even a parking spot. How did I make it home alive? Thank you GOD for protecting me... And others!
Fast forward... I realized just how dark the valley was that I had been in for over a year when I looked at my 18 month old little boy in the PICU... Drugged with
Phenobarbital. My baby boy... the reason I changed my lifestyle... was in PICU. I was alone... And I couldn't pray for my child. I COULD NOT pray for my baby boy... Scary! Dark! Lonely!
Kendall had suffered from a concussion and a brain hemorrhage. One day after being admitted into the PICU we also found out that he had a skull fracture. (Now you know why I am so protective of my son) I had no idea what would happen to him. Would he have any brain damage? Would he be the happy baby I had dropped off earlier at the baby sitters? What was going to happen with my son. My first born. My only child. The child that saved my life. What was I to do? My normal response would be PRAY.
I tried... And I couldn't. My faith was gone and I was lost. Wow!
But I fought... I knew where to look so I READ, OUT LOUD, the book of LIFE!!!! And slowly... I started walking in the right direction... The world behind me... The cross before me... No turning back...
Those words became even more real on June 22, 2014. I am new... And I WAS changed... I have JOY... And I have HOPE... And I have FAITH!
Oh. He touched me and made me whole!!
Thank you for this day... 17 years ago...if not for this day, perhaps the hand of God would not have been so evident in my life.
And thank you God for never EVER leaving my side!!
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