Can you find life when there is death? Can you feel anything other than the emotions that seem to be more than you can withstand? Will you break? Will you be strong? Can you live while death is all around you?
As I sat next to my little boy's weary Papaw in the hospital room, I literally felt his heartache. He pointed to his wife of nearly 50 years, trying not to completely lose it and told me that she was his world. Not sure what to say, I just said that I could not imagine. He looked at me without hesitation and told me that I understood because I had been through this before. I explained to him that I had never had to watch my spouse suffer but then he looked at me and said five words that shook me. "But he was your world." WOW! Yes, my dad was my world and it was completely turned upside down nearly three years ago this month as death surrounded me and my family. It was right in front of us and there was no escaping it. We couldn't run from it. We couldn't hide from it. We couldn't ignore it. It was right there. Right in front of our face. Pain. Heartache. Grief. Hurt. Sadness. Sorrow. And now it's back again.
I remember the days so vividly that I had to work while my dad was in Houston, TX. It took everything I had to get up in the mornings and get dressed. But not only get up and get dressed, I had to work and put a big smile on my face like everything was fine and dandy in my world. But in reality, it was not fine and dandy. I was five hours away from my dad who had just been diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. To say I struggled is an understatement. I did work though. I cried and cried as I drove from clinic to clinic as my oldest brother tried to communicate with me and update me on my dad. It was a roller coaster. One that would take you to the top very slowly then drop you without you knowing you ever made it to the top. No warning. Nothing. I wanted to sit home and be sad. I wanted to ball up like a baby and cry. That is what daddy's little girl wanted to do but I didn't. I put on my "big girl panties" and I lived. I may have been a complete mess on the inside but I found my strength and it came from God and only Him. I realized that this world could offer me absolutely nothing to "cope." I knew what my dad would have wanted his little girl to do and so I did it. I worked. I went to my little boy's ballgames with tear-filled eyes. I was in church every time the doors were open. I read my Bible. I prayed, a lot. I lived but I didn't want to.
Here we are, June of 2016, nearly 3 years have passed. This month begins with so many emotions as we remember those who are no longer here with us. This month, at one time, was a month that we celebrated births. I am celebrating my 35th birthday today but it's also a reminder of the last birthday I spoke to my dad. It's a memory I'll never forget. As June approaches, I know the memories it brings. It's like it is the 22nd all month long because I know what happened this month, 3 years ago. But I don't want to be sad. I don't want heartache and grief to consume me and at times overwhelm me. I don't want life to pass me by. It's not easy to "hide" the pain some days. There are days I just don't want to get out of the house but I refuse to miss out. I want to embrace today for what it is. A gift. Life is a gift. So can you find life while death surrounds you? The answer is yes.
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