My little boy and I were sitting on the couch one day when he randomly asked, "I wonder what life would be like without me?" Well, hearing those words will stop you in your tracks. Bring you to tears. Why, oh why, would those gut-wrenching words come out of my little boys mouth that would grip my heart and instill fear like never before. Not really words I like hearing coming from my baby. My world. Makes your mind go places it shouldn't. Where did that question come from? Why is he asking me this? Does he know something I don't? Am I about to lose my little boy? Yes, those thoughts crossed my mind. I told him I didn't want to think about what life would be like without him. He wasn't asking that question to be deep. At least I don't think so. He looked at our dog and said, "Well, Diesel wouldn't be here." I said yes he would but my son argued and as I thought about it, he probably wouldn't be here. I got our dog for his birthday. Without Kendall, my son, there would have been no birthday to celebrate.
But I thought deeper on the question asked that may or may not have shaken me up a tad bit. Okay, a LOT! Thoughts continued to spin in my head. What would my future look like without my little boy? I had to stop those thoughts and go backwards. Rewind. What would life truly be like without my 8 year old boy? I'm going to answer that for those of you who may not know me or much of my story.
Life would be dark. Empty. Meaningless. My little boy came into my life at just the right time. God's time. I may not have been living a Godly life but how many of you know that God works things out for HIS glory? God sent a little boy, a miracle, to save my life. My life was not ruined. It could have been but God knew what I needed to wake me up. He knew what I needed to keep me from death. Both physically and spiritually. He knew where my life was headed and I was headed their quicker than I'd like to admit. Faster than anyone around me could see. My little boy gave me a purpose that I never had before. He gave me a reason to fight harder than I ever have fought before.
My little boy taught me patience. He taught me how to love on a scale I had never loved before. I had no idea my heart could ever love someone so deeply. I feel like it could literally explode sometimes because my love for him is beyond anything I've ever felt. He taught me that I had to put others first. It was no longer about me. I had a life that was given to me to protect and provide for. To teach right from wrong. But not only teach, to show. Laurie Payne had to make better choices in her life because she now had a life that depended on her.
My weekends would look totally different. My weekdays would look different. My summers would look different. Holidays would not be the same. I would not be able to celebrate Mother's Day. Life would be completely different. I wouldn't be able to post those first day of school pictures that everyone loves. Elf on the Shelf would be absolutely ridiculous to me. But to be honest, to be real, I don't think I would have made it much longer. By God's mercy and grace, I am here today. Kendall's life gave me life.
Perhaps God wanted me to reflect back on the life He delivered me from. Maybe He used my little boy to remind me where I came from so that I could see how far He brought me. To look back and see the wasted days and wasted nights so that I will choose to make every moment count from this point forward. To embrace life. To live life. To live with purpose.
Sometimes it's good to look back... but don't stay there...let it be a reminder of how far you've come by the grace of God.
God is the God of miracles and I am forever grateful that I am "scarred" from a little miracle that gave me life on March 25, 2008.
But I thought deeper on the question asked that may or may not have shaken me up a tad bit. Okay, a LOT! Thoughts continued to spin in my head. What would my future look like without my little boy? I had to stop those thoughts and go backwards. Rewind. What would life truly be like without my 8 year old boy? I'm going to answer that for those of you who may not know me or much of my story.
Life would be dark. Empty. Meaningless. My little boy came into my life at just the right time. God's time. I may not have been living a Godly life but how many of you know that God works things out for HIS glory? God sent a little boy, a miracle, to save my life. My life was not ruined. It could have been but God knew what I needed to wake me up. He knew what I needed to keep me from death. Both physically and spiritually. He knew where my life was headed and I was headed their quicker than I'd like to admit. Faster than anyone around me could see. My little boy gave me a purpose that I never had before. He gave me a reason to fight harder than I ever have fought before.
My little boy taught me patience. He taught me how to love on a scale I had never loved before. I had no idea my heart could ever love someone so deeply. I feel like it could literally explode sometimes because my love for him is beyond anything I've ever felt. He taught me that I had to put others first. It was no longer about me. I had a life that was given to me to protect and provide for. To teach right from wrong. But not only teach, to show. Laurie Payne had to make better choices in her life because she now had a life that depended on her.
My weekends would look totally different. My weekdays would look different. My summers would look different. Holidays would not be the same. I would not be able to celebrate Mother's Day. Life would be completely different. I wouldn't be able to post those first day of school pictures that everyone loves. Elf on the Shelf would be absolutely ridiculous to me. But to be honest, to be real, I don't think I would have made it much longer. By God's mercy and grace, I am here today. Kendall's life gave me life.
Perhaps God wanted me to reflect back on the life He delivered me from. Maybe He used my little boy to remind me where I came from so that I could see how far He brought me. To look back and see the wasted days and wasted nights so that I will choose to make every moment count from this point forward. To embrace life. To live life. To live with purpose.
Sometimes it's good to look back... but don't stay there...let it be a reminder of how far you've come by the grace of God.
God is the God of miracles and I am forever grateful that I am "scarred" from a little miracle that gave me life on March 25, 2008.
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