It's taken me a few weeks to gather my thoughts for this blog. Sometimes our thoughts can be toxic and consume us if we allow them to. I had to be very cautious about what I allowed my mind to focus on for a few days.
If any of you know me or follow my blog, you know my entire world revolves around my brown eyed, long blond curly hair, little boy. He is my reason. My why. My world.
Several weeks ago as we were getting ready for bed, my little boy came up to me and told me he found a bump near his hip. He showed me and I'm sure my eyes got as big as saucers. I know they did because I scared him with my facial expressions. I didn't even say a word and tears began to fall from his big, brown eyes. I asked him several questions. When did you find it? Does it hurt? Have you fallen and maybe hit your hip? FEAR. Fear immediately set in. Obviously for me and my little boy. It gripped me on the inside but I had to reassure, with words, my son that he was going to be okay. And in the process, reassure myself that he was going to be okay.
I had to do a little research to see if this "bump" could be something common because my mommy knowledge wasn't working for me at this point. GOOGLE was not my friend. I didn't want a diagnosis. I just wanted to know if something was there that could swell like this bump. I didn't want to see the word cancer. I didn't want to see the word lymphedema. I didn't want to see the word hernia. All of these things FREAKED this mom out. I continued to tell my little boy he was going to be okay. He was crying hysterically because he had just watched a show where a little boy died. Kendall, my son, looked up at me with tear-filled eyes and said, "I don't want to die." WHEW!! Talk about rock your world.
He was too upset to pray that evening so I prayed for him and over him. I'm not sure how much sleep I got that night because I was worried but trying to have faith in God that everything would be just fine. He is the God that heals. He is the God that comforts. He is the God that brings peace. That night, I held my little boy in my arms and prayed. I would fall asleep then wake up and stare at his baby doll face. I would run my fingers across his little freckles, place my hand on his head and pray. The next morning, I was hoping the knot would no longer be there and it would be a regular day. I ran my little boy's bathwater as he decided to go and lay on the couch. He said his knot was hurting and started to cry. Okay. Fear. Worry. Something is wrong with my son. This is not good. That's what went through my head.
I made a doctor's appointment that morning and tried my best to not worry. That wasn't easy. As I was getting ready, I started to get nervous. I thought back to the night I was getting dressed for my dad's visitation. My stomach was in knots. Something just wasn't right. Worry. Fear. What if... this is my little boy. This is my baby.
We went to the doctor and as I tried to settle my son's nerves, we prayed. We prayed before we left the house. We prayed before we got out of the truck. I continued to tell him that he was going to be okay. The doctor came him and examined him. He seemed a bit concerned and at this point, I don't think I was processing anything. I wanted to know what was wrong. Long story short. We found the source and it was a virus that had caused a lymph node to swell. He informed me about uncommon lymph nodes and which ones I should be concerned about. (note to self) Whew. Okay. So everything was okay.
We got in my truck. I turned around to look at my little boy and I broke down. He said, "Mom, you promise I am okay?" Weeping, I told him yes. "Then why are you crying?" Whew...tears are flowing now as I write this. I said, "Baby, this visit could have been a lot different." I cried and I cried and I cried. The thought of my little boy having to go through any type of treatment or any pain was overwhelming. I don't like to see my child hurting. No parent does. I thought of all the moms and dads that have watched their child suffer. The parents who see a hero when they look into the eyes of their innocent child. Parents who have endured heartache because of the pain their child has or is going through. Tough parents. Strong parents. Not because they want to be but because they have to be. Parents faith tested.
I wish I could say that fear left me at this point but it did not. What if the doctor was wrong? What if it isn't a virus causing it to swell? I checked his knot it every single day for the next few weeks. I randomly ask if it's okay. When does fear leave and faith kick in?
It was a wake up call for me. I've wasted so much time. Have I told my son how much I love him? Have I shown him that I love him? Does he truly know how much I love him? I mean does he KNOW? Moms. Dads. Life can change in the blink of an eye. Don't wait for a wake-up call. The time is now. Time to invest in the life of your child. Time to spend quality time with your child. Time to sit down at the kitchen table. Time to play with them. Time set aside just for them. If you are older, it's time to take them to lunch. Take them to dinner. What if...what if your tomorrow looked much different than today?
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