I Am Not Perfect

I Am Not Perfect

I am 34 years old and I am just now realizing I am not perfect. I know, crazy right?  Now before you read too much into this title, please read the entire post.

I have made mistakes.  I will make more mistakes. I have failed and I will fail again. 

For most of my life, I felt as if I had to be perfect.  Do you know how impossible that is to achieve? It can't be done.  But for so long, I strived to be perfect. To please everyone around me. To not let anyone down that I loved and even those I barely knew.  To always be strong.  No tears could be shed because perfect people don't cry.  Perfect people are "tough."  I had to make the best grades.  I had to win everything I competed in from my piano recitals to field day -- to pageants to track meets.  There were times I didn't want to compete but I had to because I wanted to please others.  My parents were always proud of me regardless of what place I brought home.  I was always a winner in their eyes as long as I did my best but it wasn't enough for me.  I wanted to be first.  I wanted to win to make others "truly" happy and proud.  There were certain extracurricular activities I absolutely loved but some I despised.  But because I was "perfect", I had to continue pleasing others or at least trying my best.  

I am a people pleaser.  I enjoy bringing a smile to others even if it cost me my happiness.  That is how I have lived most of my life. Now don't get me wrong or read too much into this.  I had an incredible childhood and still have one amazing life but living to please others will drain you.  Trying to be "perfect" will literally kill everything inside of you because it is an impossible feat.  

I realize now that my happiness does matter. It matters for me and it matters for my little boy.  The saying is so true, "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  

I say all of this because some of you may have my thoughts.  The other day after I dropped my little boy off for school, I thought to myself "I failed."  I failed that morning because my little boy didn't have the best morning before he left for school. Breakfast wasn't prepared gourmet style and we didn't have a Bible study session as we ate.  I didn't speak greatness over him and his lunch definitely wasn't the best I had ever made.  What if this was the last time I would spend with him?  I missed it.  I failed. I just "fell short."  

That's when it hit me.  "Laurie, you are not perfect!"  What??? Laurie, you will make mistakes.  Laurie, you won't always get it right. Laurie, you can't live your entire life thinking that it has to be perfect. Laurie, people may be watching you but know at some point, you will let them down.  You are not perfect nor were you created to be perfect.  Laurie, you are human. Laurie, no matter how hard you try to please others, you will never succeed at pleasing them all. 

Well, hello!!!! Weight lifted off my shoulders and a sigh of relief was breathed.  I am not perfect.  I can't be perfect.  I don't have to be the "perfect Payne" I have strived to be my entire life and failed at daily.  How exhausting.

So, if you are reading this and you think I am perfect.  You are right and I love you!! Just picking.  I am far from perfect. (Just a little perfect as my initials show -LP)  I will let you down.  I will disappoint you and at some point.  I may cause you sadness.  But that is not my goal at all.  My goal is to be the best Laurie Payne that I can be.  I want to give it my all.  I want to put forth my best effort when it comes to being a mom but I will fall short at times.  I want to lead Moms Matter the best I can but know that I am human, not perfect.  I want to be the best friend there is but know I will let you down at some point.  I want to be the best sister, daughter, aunt and will do whatever it takes to be there for you but know, you won't always agree with me.  I want to be the best employee there is but I know there are days that I lack enthusiasm. Whatever the day brings, I want to face it head on -- with my best foot forward.  

My heart is big and when I disappoint or hurt others, it knocks me back a few steps but when you strive to lead a perfect life, it will knock you down.  

Remember that each of us are human.  I am not super woman (though we've never been seen together in the same room).  People will let you down.  People will hurt you. People will fail and people will fall.  But that's just it, people aren't perfect.  

Whew... now that you all know I am not perfect, I can breathe a little easier today and hold my head up knowing I am giving it my best.  I know most of you do the same and if you have ever felt like me, realize that you can't be perfect.  If your goal is to never mess up. Never fail. Never let anyone down. Never fall.  You will eventually give up because it is impossible.  But the one thing we can do is be the best "us" that we can be each and every day.   We can strive to be better than we were yesterday.  That's what I love.  We are all our own competitor.  

So today, you don't have to be perfect, just be the best you that you know how to be!!