Who You'd Be Today

I am 34 years old, wait, young.  At the age of 34, my dad had accomplished more than most will in their lifetime.  The more I think about all that he did, the more I feel like a failure.  As if I have let him down because I am no where near the wo"MAN" he was at my age.  He had big dreams and he set out to accomplish them all.  He didn't let anything stop him.  I have goals.  I have dreams.  BIG dreams.  Some of them may be a little far fetched but some of them seem as if they are in arms reach. 

I see so much of my dad in me every single day.  The good and the bad.  I miss so much about my dad.  Every single day.  Both good and the bad.  Days I want my phone to ring and him be on the other end asking his little girl to lunch.  He would ask me about work.  He would want to know everything Kendall (my little boy) was doing.  He loved that little boy with everything inside of him.  And the world knew it.  There wasn't anything he wouldn't do to see Kendall or spend time with him.  His life revolved around his grandkids up until the day he left for M.D. Anderson.

Which brings me to "Who You'd Be Today."  I don't know if any of you reading this are Kenny Chesney fans but he has a song titled, "Who You'd Be Today."  If you haven't ever heard it, go listen.  I wonder so often who my dad would be today.  I understand that the song is about someone who died too young but in my opinion, 69 is too young.  Or maybe I'm just selfish and wanted to have more time with my dad.  One thing that has proven true, we never have enough time.  And I'm sure we all would love more time with those we love.

I have the privledge to play Bingo several times a month as a marketing rep for a home health company.  I sit in a room full of mostly older women but occasionally a few men will join us.  Most of them have walkers or are confined to a wheelchair.  Some of them have trouble comprehending anything.  Then there are those that are sharp as a tack.  But when I look at those older men, tears fill my eyes.  It never fails because I wonder what would my dad would be like as an "old man."  As I watched my dad grow weaker and weaker, I still never saw him as an "old man."  He just wasn't able to move like he once could but that wasn't becuase he was old.  He struggled with pain most of his life - or should I say most of mine -  and then the silent killer, diabetes, seemed to take away his mobility.  He wasn't able to move as quick.  He couldn't play ball with my little boy like he would have been able to had his health been better.   But it didn't stop him.  He did the best that he could and he gave his all and his time.  Which is what I wish we had more of.  I want to look up as I call Bingo and see my dad laughing as if he were a little boy again.  Would he even enjoy Bingo?  What would he have been like had his health been better?  So much left to wonder.

He should be here.  He should be here to take his little girl to lunch.  He should be here to watch his youngest son preach.  He should be here to watch his oldest granddaughter in her plays.  He should be here to watch his grandkids play ball.  He should have been there as his oldest son married his bride and he should be able to see the birth of his third gradson that will carry his name.  My mom, his wife, shouldn't be left alone at home.  He should be here for those days that leave a void nothing or no one can fill.  But he's not.  He's not here.  And that's why I wonder, who he'd be today.