Oh, the smell of Christmas. Christmas is the only holiday, in my opinion, that you can actually smell. The smell of cider simmering in the crockpot as you wrap Christmas presents. The smell of the Christmas tree. Did you know that you can actually purchase room spray called, "The smell of Christmas/"
The sight of all the Christmas lights. I don't know what it is about Christmas lights but they seem to bring a calmness to the craziness around Christmas. The lights that twinkle in the dark as you sit in your living room early in the morning before the day begins. All is calm. All is bright.
Hearing Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving seriously creates monsters for some people but not for me. I'm more like Buddy the Elf. All things Christmas make me happy. Regardless of the time of year. It's fun and brings back so many memories of my childhood.
The taste of Christmas ranks high on the list of my top five things I love about Christmas. I won't mention where Hallmark movies land. I don't remember many of my Christmas gifts but I can certainly remember what we ate. Our breakfast tradition was blueberry muffins with crumbs of some sort on top along with little smokies on the side. It's a tradition I have carried on with my son and something he looks forward to every year. Who knew that presents weren't as important as food? I might not can save you money on your car insurance but I can save you money during Christmas. Forget the expensive presents and focus on the food.
The last sense is the sense of touch. I didn't grow up in a "touchy" family. We hugged good night but that's about it. We didn't cuddle and we preferred it if you let us stay in our personal bubble. But things have changed for me. I am constantly touching my child whether it's playing with his long curly hair, rubbing his back or squeezing him tight before he heads out the door to stay with a friend.
Christmas gives me all of the feelings. Seriously... ALL of the feelings. Even sadness.
There is no way to explain the feeling when joy and sadness simultaneously exist. For those that have experienced this, you know exactly what I am referring to when I say that they can co-exist. You can smile with tears streaming down your face.
As much as I love Christmas, it brings such sorrow the closer we get to Christmas day.
This will be my seventh Christmas without my dad. As I was addressing Christmas cards, it hit me. I mailed a Christmas card to my mom but without my dad's name on it. A little more of my heart broke that day. I want to spend one more Christmas with my dad. I want to soak it all in because I'm pretty sure I took advantage of the time I had left with him. There is a HUGE void on Christmas day because he is no longer here with us. It's nothing we can ignore. It also doesn't have take away from those that are still with us. I promise we are grateful for time with those around us. But it's reality. Reality that nothing we can do will ever bring him back. All we have left are memories. And those memories create mixed emotions. Joy and sadness.
I explained that my dad brought the love during Christmas. Well, my son's dad brought the laughter. Love and laughter. Those two things are quite powerful. If you don't think so, go a day without either.
I wasn't able to send my dad a Christmas card but my son was able to send his dad a card. It will be one of many Christmas's that my son will not spend with his dad due to him being incarcerated. It's a grief we both wake up with on Christmas morning that neither of us talk about but we both know it's there. Another Christmas without our dads.
There will be silent tears this Christmas that many won't see. Silent tears behind the smile. Silent tears when you watch loved ones celebrate with their families. Silent tears as families gather at the table around the empty chair. Silent tears as laughter fills the room. Silent tears as everyone walks through the door as you wait on that one... you wait and wait but that one never comes. The silent tears fall.
You are not alone this Christmas. If I can leave you with one thing, joy and sadness can co-exist and it's okay if you experience them both this year. There is nothing wrong with you. Soak it all in. The happiness and the sadness. The love and laughter.
Embrace those around you. The crazy and the calm.
It's a payneFULL life.
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