Here's Your Sign

Early Morning Selfie

For those of you that may not be caught up on my current situation, I am unemployed at the moment.  I was let go from my job two weeks before Christmas.  I have had complete peace about the situation and knew that God would take care of us.

If you notice a few key words, I HAD and I KNEW.  Those words are past tense. 

Let me catch you up.  Before I was let go from my job, I had already had an interview with another company.  When I was let go, I thought to myself, how ironic.  I had an interview on Monday and on Friday I was let go from my job.  I just knew that God was preparing a way for me.

We celebrated and I enjoyed the holidays with my son.  When the new year arrived, I had great hopes that this year was going to be our year.  We were going to be climbing up that mountain to finally see the valley God had brought us out of.  I entered 2020 with excitement.

On January 23rd, I dropped my son off for FCS (Fellowship of Christian Students).  He was going to lead his fellow classmates for the first time.  It was a BIG day for him.  It was a big day for us both.  I was headed for a BIG interview.  I wasn't nervous.  I had complete peace and confidence about this job.

I thought I would hear something from them before the weekend but I didn't.  My son and I talked about this job and what it would mean for us both.  I'm trying to be more optimistic about things.  I want to teach my son to expect good things instead of always thinking the worse. He's much better at it than I am.

I got the call but before I answered my feelings quickly changed. I knew it was too good to be true.  I heard the word "unfortunately."  That's all I needed to hear.  After that...this is all I heard.

Unfortunately...

You aren't good enough.

You aren't smart enough.

You aren't talented enough.

You aren't pretty enough.

You aren't deserving enough.

You aren't young enough.

You simply aren't enough.

Disappointed.  Discouraged.  Disheartened.

Everything that I had felt about myself prior to the interview came flooding back.  Every single word that the enemy had spoken over me hit me like a ton of bricks.  I guess he was right.  I'm not good enough.  Why would something like that happen to someone like me?

Oh, he's good. 

I picked up my son and we went to spend some time in the great outdoors.  I'd like to say that my attitude changed and I had some "ah ha" moment but that's not true.

I sulked.  I wallowed in self pity.  I questioned every single word that God had spoken over me.  

I allowed myself to feel emotions for the first time in a long time.  Too often I just push them aside.  I run from them and pretend that I am stronger than I really am.  I am strong but every now and then... I break. 

Yesterday, I broke.

But today... 

The sun comes up
It's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass
And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing
When the evening comes

Today... I woke up defeated but with an agenda.

Regardless of how I "feel" I have to be willing to take the next step.  Feelings come and go.  Please hear what I am telling you.

If you base your walk with God off of "feelings," you are going to be let down time and time again.  God is more than a feeling. 

Proverbs 3:5 says to Trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart.  Lean not on your own understanding but in ALL of your ways, acknowledge Him.

That verse has carried me through some very dark and confusing times.  There are so many 'things' I question in life.  So many 'things' that I don't understand.  I'm sure you are the same way.  We just simply don't have all the answers. 

I don't know where God is taking us but I do know that I MUST trust the process.  I must trust Him to lead us.  To guide us.  To provide for us.  

At the end of the day, I am human.  I have feelings.  I experience life just as you do.  Our faith may be shaken from time to time.

We can stay down or we can rise up.

I choose to RISE UP and TRUST HIM.

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