Adios. See ya. Goodbye. Peace out. Sayonara. Those are a few words that crossed my mind as I prepared to enter the new year. There is something about the end of a year that excites me. No matter how good or how bad the year was...something new is in store. You can close the door and finish a chapter. 2016... I'm done. Welcome 2017. Enter at your own risk.
I was ready. I was pumped. Fired up about what was to come. I was glad that I could put all my failures behind me from 2016. Failures as a mom. A friend. An employee. A daughter. Failures in so many areas of my life. Failures as a leader. A volunteer. A provider. An encourager. A follower of Jesus Christ If there was any area that could be examined in my life, at some point, I failed. Miserably. But I was going to conquer 2017. I was ready. I had my new planner with my fancy little pens ready to write down my dreams and goals. A blank page full of endless possibilities. Things to excel in. Areas that needed improvement. Areas that didn't even exist. Pen to paper...I was ready. I was a stick of dynamite ready to be lit.
Insert screeching brakes. That was my life as of December 31, 2016. It quickly came to a complete halt when sickness decided to pop its ugly head into my life. I thought I could fight it and continue with my little plan but that just didn't happen. As each day passed, I got worse and worse. I was tired. I was exhausted. I couldn't sleep and didn't have the energy to do anything. I wasn't deathly ill but how many of you know that when you are a mom, sickness can't stop you. Especially when you are a single mom. Everything must continue. There is always work to be done. I still had to clean and do laundry. I had to feed my kid. Not to mention, take care of my zoo. That's where the thoughts of failure I had left behind in 2016 crept back in. Only 5 days into the new year and I hadn't accomplished one single thing. And I'm talking small accomplishments. Getting off the couch would have been a start. Maybe washing my hair since I did have to work. Putting on make-up may or may not have helped my case. The one day I did attempt to paint my face, I asked my 8 year old little boy if I looked okay. His sweet, big brown eyes looked up at me and paused. He didn't want to hurt his momma's feelings but he also didn't want to lie. He simply said, "Well, you ARE sick." It brought a smile to my face because he could have said much worse.
But as each day passed, I felt myself feeling defeated. I hadn't even gotten past the first week and I was a complete and utter failure. My exhaustion affected my son. My lack of sleep was evident if you were to walk in my house. Useless. I felt completely useless. I would apologize to my son every night because I felt like a failure. As a person and as a mom. He would always reassure me that I was not a failure but in my eyes, I was failing. Failing as a mom. I felt as if this year was already ruined because of the first week. And if I were to allow my thoughts to continue, nothing would get better. I could let the enemy feed my thoughts that I am not good enough and never would be. I could listen to him tell me that it's too late. Nothing I do now will change anything. I've ruined my child. I have failed him as a mother. His childhood is suppose to be wonderful and I've made it horrible. He won't have the childhood memories I have now. I laughed. I had fun. I went places. I had things to do it seems every single day that created lasting memories. I remember all the things my mom did for me but yet I'm not sure if Kendall, my son, could name one thing I do for him.
You see, that's how the enemy works. HE knows your weaknesses and he will feed on them. He will remind you every second of the day that you are a mess. You are a failure. He will never tell you when you have done a good job. He will never let you know that one decision made a difference for the kingdom of God. My word for 2017 is restore but during so many of those "failure" MOMents, I wanted my word to be redo. I needed a complete redo for 2017 and we weren't even a week into the new year.
But I'm here to tell you. Monday is coming. You may be wanting this year to end already because like me, you feel as if you failed. But the beauty of life is that you get a blank slate each and every day. Maybe it's a Monday that will get you back on track. A new day. A new week. A fresh start. Don't let the enemy feed you lies. You might not be able to have a "redo" but know that Monday is coming and it's here.
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